Wow. It’s been a year. It’s hard to believe.
I’ve always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason even if you don’t know what that reason is at the time.
I had to go through all the shit I went through last year to get here. Wow…. I just looked at the calendar and it’s freaky. Exactly one year to the day that I had my big breakdown was Jan 26. Also the day I effectively ended my marriage.
I’m done. I was done, but I have to stick through it a bit longer.
For the last several years, I’ve put up with so much shit. Taken it on as my own, believed it was my fault. That I had to try harder, be more understanding. Then it seemed like everything happened and as I look back I can almost pinpoint how each day/week/month from the day I found out I was pregnant to Jan. 26th was meant to be.
I’m pregnant – He says…Are you sure? – yes – So now can I drink?
I think that was one of the many attempts to “cut back”.
I was happy when I was pregnant. I had a new life growing inside me. It was easy to shove away everything else. The years of being made to believe that friends are crap, society is crap, life is crap. I fought so hard against those comments, but over time they wear you down. And so this big bubble grew. And I took everything on. I wanted to make it better. I made excuses, I sacrificed my happiness. Why? Because I made a promise for better or worse? I so desperately wanted to believe in till death do us part. But when someone threatens suicide… several times over the past year alone. . . you figure what’s the point.
I don’t deserve that pain. That neglect. But above all, neither does my daughter.
So I’m angry. I’m angry I can’t do till death do us part. I’m angry that I had to live the better part of the last ten years being torn to shreds inside and pretending it was okay. Making excuses that it was okay because he’s got anxiety and can’t deal with shit. So much so that now looking back on it it probably contributed to most of my eating disorder issues… but not completely.. there were other things.
I’m angry that I had to go through everything I went through last year to get to here. Sort of.. it happens for a reason. … I know I had to go through it to get here.. but I don’t ever want to go back. I’m angry that I let him hurt me emotionally. I’m angry I didn’t do this sooner.
But in the end it’s okay because it’s all done. Well, it was almost all done.
Everything happens for a reason.. and the stars aligned this past week and it was nothing short of a million signs for me to have the courage. It had to be done.
It was a perfect opportunity. I sat there and ended my marriage. I was calmer than I expected. I was more sympathetic than I expected. I was more patient than I expected.
And then I gave him another chance…. sort of.
He was so broken. Maybe it was pity, but I know the thought in my head was that it was for Mia. If she has any chance at having a father without an alcohol and drug dependency that will be there for her, and really be a part of her life, I have to hold on a bit longer.
I have been firm in not making any promises. I have been firm in making sure he knows that I can’t be what he wants me to be. I was out. I was done. You don’t get to the point where you say those things and then take them back.
I am done. In my head and my heart I am out. I don’t know what the future will bring. And I think deep down I don’t believe we can really be happy together.
Maybe time has taken it’s toll on us already. But Mia deserves a father. what else can i do. It is one last shot. And it may not be enough to save our marriage, but as long as it’s enough to save him.