One of the reasons I’m having the problems I have, I think, is because I give (or maybe gave) so much of myself to others, but wasn’t getting the same in return. I wasn’t getting the connection I wanted. While I take/took care of everything and everyone around me, no one was/is taking care of me.
So I think in order to get a small sense of being taken care of, I stopped doing a lot of things. Even simple things like getting up to get myself a glass of water. I would wait until DH came down and ask him to get me a glass of water. Just so that for one moment, I could feel like he was taking care of me.
While DH is great at ‘doing’ just about everything I ask. I don’t feel taken care of. It feels like there is always something I need to do in return. It’s not unconditional. Or maybe it’s because I want more than to have to ask him for things. I think there is a lot more to say about all this, but I don’t have much time right now.
I had to write something though, because as we were eating lunch, and I asked him how I can try to fit in more exercise into our routine/life this year, his response was that I should go back to doing things for myself, and then if I still wanted more ‘exercise’ to do everything for him. I sat silently, not really knowing how to respond, because I’m trying to stop and sit with the feeling and figure out what it is. And in the middle of trying to do that, I realized I had picked up another chicken nugget, and was eating it despite the fact I was full. I noticed I was full. And I didn’t go and eat the other five that are still sitting there. I got up from the table just to be sure I wouldn’t. As much as the emotional stuff sucked, it was a good moment. I’m getting there.