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I have an eating disorder.

I have an eating disorder.  I have an eating disorder.  I have an eating disorder. I have an eating disorder.

I do.  I have an eating disorder. That is what I learned today.  That is what I have to accept today.  I have to believe it.  I have to accept it.  Just like an alcoholic has to admit they have a disease and they need help.  Really? I have an eating disorder?

Almost six months of therapy…it’s taken this long for me to really understand that I have an eating disorder?  I know I have a poor relationship with food.  I know I’m an emotional eater.  I know I eat mindlessly.  I know I make poor choices.  I know I have a mental block when it comes to exercising and eating the right amount.  I understand the principles.  But I can’t quite understand that I have AN EATING DISORDER.

I am learning how to eat.  I am spending thousands of dollars to have someone teach me how to eat like a normal person.  Doesn’t that sound crazy?  But it’s not, is it? I’m not the only one in this situation.  In fact I just met someone who is in pretty much the exact same position as me.

I thought six months ago was the beginning of this journey.  But it wasn’t.  It’s starting now.  It’s something I have to get serious about.  It’s not something that will just miraculously start happening to me because I go in and talk to someone once a week.  I have to work at it.  I have to practice it.  I have to learn it.  I have to understand it.

This is where it starts.  And this is why I’m here.  In all the hard times when I was young, I’d write.  Because there was no one else.  It was all I could do to manage and cope with the minor things in my life that felt huge to me.  I’m a super-feeler.  But all my life I’ve been  forced to not feel.  I should always put on a face.  I needed to be strong to not hurt someone’s feelings.  I didn’t want to hurt someone else because it would hurt me.  So I ate.  No…wait…first I’d write…before I had the access to the food…I’d write.  It’s what got me through grade school and most of highschool.  Although in high-school I was more likely to be writing a letter to someone instead of to a diary.  But I would write.

So, on this journey I’m starting, that’s what I need to do again.  I have to write.  I have to blog.  And I’m not ready to share my identity.  I’m not sure what my identity is.

Hopefully that is what I will learn as this goes along….it’s going to be a long ride.

This entry was posted in Eating Disorder, Uncategorized

6 Responses

  • I think it is wonderful that you are ready to overcome your ED. Admitting you have one is so important. It is not crazy to go to therapy for an ED. It is a mental illness. Ok, an extreme analogy, but if you were schizophrenic you would probably need therapy right? Keep posting, I think it is wonderful to be mending your relationship with food, and intuitive eating is a great place to start. My struggles with EDs are continuing as well and I need to learn to eat more intuitively. It is inspiring to read about people bettering their EDs.

  • I am so glad you’re writing. It helps. Sometimes getting the thoughts on paper keeps them from circling around in our heads all day long.
    Eating disorders are ridiculously painful, confusing and relentless. They are also deceptive.. Everytime we think we’ve beaten it, we find ourselves using food to cope with or numb from life’s challenges. Mine stole way too many years and opportunities from me… But I’m finally at a place where my desire to LIVE my life is stronger than my need to hide from it.
    You are on the right path… Keep going!

  • To the blog I wrote about writing to Dr. Phil. We, the ED people (hate the word victim, it only makes you feel like a victim), WE NEED to write. We are the writers of this world. Having said that, I am looking for people to write me a chapter for my book. If interested, I can only give you recognition for your thoughts. I have no money. But I do have the ability to write. 🙂 If interested let me know. My book is already copyrighted, I just need to finish the words.

    • Not sure if I responded about the book, it’s been a busy couple of weeks. I’d love to help out, Let me know what you are looking for and I’ll see if I can contribute.

  • p.s. totally true “I’m a super-feeler. But all my life I’ve been forced to not feel. I should always put on a face.” At 49 still going through that transition. No ED for a year, and facing that head on, but now in my PM stage it seems easier. Maybe getting older is not so bad afterall. 🙂


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