I had a break down on Thursday. I was having a pretty good week. Just came back from a group therapy session that went well. I felt like I was getting a good grasp of this Intuitive Eating thing. And I am. It’s a success, I know.
But I can’t handle everything else. I’ve been using food to cope and ignore everything around me. Now as I become more aware of what I’m feeling and why, I’m completely overwhelmed.
I had a problem with my cell phone bill. Called them, turns out I signed something I didn’t read because I was too trusting. I got mad at them, but even more mad at me. And then, looking at finances, realizing we really need more money to make ends meet. And how am I supposed to do that? Trying to balance finding a job or work that I love and enjoy while doing everything else. But that won’t bring in as much money as if I work a regular 9-5..and we’re not talking a few bucks, we’re talking a $20-30K difference.
To realizing I’m the only one who cares and who can or will do anything about.
To looking at the disaster my house is in even though I just spent $90 the day before to have someone clean it.
To getting a text message from my mother that sent me over the edge.
I sat on my kitchen floor and balled my eyes out. Banging my head on the chair leg (not hard to hurt myself, it was more the rythym of it I found soothing. Or something.
Eventually hubby came back in and saw me and I had to eventually calm down.
But things haven’t gotten better. Nothing has changed. I’ve overeatten a bit, but not to the point where I feel ill like I usually would have.
I didn’t go to work Friday. I knew if I did, I would quit, and I can’t afford to quit. We need the money. I need to make money. I don’t want to work..well, not there. I don’t want to commute. I can’t. I cry the whole way down and up.,
When I’m not with my daughter, I wish I was. When I am with her, I am busy working on the computer trying to find another job or working on a business that is not going anywhere.
I’m so scatterbrained, I don’t know where to focus my energy first. I’ve lost my ability to prioritize my life. I’ve lost control of my life.
I’m a problem solver….or at least that’s what I used to be. But I don’t know how to solve this problem. I have to call and see my medical doctor this week. I don’t want meds, I just need a break. I need to figure out what I’m going to, or rather how I’m going to get back in control of my life.
Maybe I’m afraid of going because she won’t agree with me that I need a break. Or that she’ll suggest meds. I don’t want to go on meds.
It may be postpartum depression actually. I think I’ve been avoiding admitting it. I don’t know. I’m just a mess.
But at least I’m not stuffing my face…some progress.