I have to go back to work tomorrow. My commute is over an hour each way, and it means I’ll be lucky to see my daughter for two or three hours a day during the week. It is stressing me out. I am looking for something closer to home, but I also don’t want to just take whatever job comes up.
So today I was stressed and depressed about that. And I was craving chocolate. So I ate 6 mini-boxes of smarties and had two glasses of wine.
As I was debating whether or not I should, several things went through my mind…
-I want chocolate
-I want to eat
-Am I hungry? – No
-Do I really want it? – Yes
-Should I – I don’t know
-Why do I want to eat? I’m not hungry. – I’m stressed about going back to work, I’m upset about DH stuff, my knee is bothering me because I’ve gained so much weight and don’t exercise and that upsets me to. It makes me feel unhealthy, and depressed.
– What else can I do? Ugh..don’t feel like doing anything else…I want chocolate.
-I’m upset, but eating won’t change that
-I want chocolate, it won’t make anything go away, but I still want some and I don’t want to restrict myself and then fall into that trap.
-I’ll have some, and savour each smartie and sip of wine I have. I won’t over do it and stuff my face, but I will enjoy it.
And so I did. Maybe I could have stopped after 3 mini-boxes instead of going for 6, but I did savour each one. Felt the candy slowly melting on my tounge until the shell slightly cracked and I could start tasting the sweetness of chocolate seeping through and felt the thick creaminess of chocolate on my tounge.
At least I was mindful, I didn’t feel deprived. I didn’t eat twelve boxes like I otherwise might have. I enjoyed my wine and the slight buzz it has given me. Just enough to help me drift off to sleep instead of staying up thinking about how I have to go to work tomorrow and that my knee bothers me etc…
I didn’t make the best choice tonight. But at least I stopped to think about it. Be mindful about it. And while I did maybe use food to cope tonight, I did it consciously knowing that I did have another option, but didn’t feel like doing that tonight. I just wanted a moment to enjoy some chocolate and wine. And I did.