vibramycin dosing

Juggling

I can’t hold all these balls in the air.

They are going to come crashing down any second.

I’m only me.  Me used to be able to handle all the balls.

But today, I can’t.

I don’t want to.  I feel my inner child rebelling.

I don’t want to feel what I feel.  I want to forget.  I want to just eat, and drink and not think of what a failure I feel like.  And not think of how unhappy I am.  Not think of how it feels like there is very little to do and how I can’t change it.

I’m a problem solver.  It’s what I do for a living, and it’s how I approach everything.  What’s the problem, what are the options, creatively think of a solution, apply the solution and problem solved.

It doesn’t work that way with feeling though.  Emotions cannot be rationalized.  I don’t have a solution or a reason or a logical explaination as to why I eat. Other than I eat when I’m upset, or stressed, etc.  I don’t have a solution to ‘fix’ my ‘weight’ problem.

I can take an organization, understand how it works, what it’s weaknesses are, improve it and make it run more efficiently, but I can’t do that to me, to my life.

And that sucks.

This entry was posted in Eating Disorder, Recovery, Superfeeler, Thoughts

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