vibramycin dosing

Private Thoughts

I may as well be a single mom then, right?

I get it, he can’t handle it.  He gets anxiety.  It sucks, if feels like shit, I’ve had my share of panic attacks.  But he’s not doing anything about them.

He thinks I should just be okay with doing everything, never going out and not being able to count on him for anything.  Ooohh..yay, he takes care of the grass, takes out the garbage and maybe tidies the kitchen once in a while..but I have a house keeper for that now.

I have no interest in sex.  With him…well, at all right now really.  Why would I? I’m fucking exhausted from trying to take care of myself and Mia and the house.  And I can’t ask him to do anything, I can’t expect him to do anything.  He’s not CAPABLE of doing anything.

So how can I be pissed off with him, when he’s got a medical issue?  Fuck.  Because I’m stressed to the max.  Because I’ve spent the last ten years trying to make him happy when I’ve probably just been enabling him to go deeper into his anxiety or making it easier for him to not have to deal with whatever shit is really at the root of all of this.   All because he doesn’t want to be crazy like his mother?

Fuck.  I can’t do this for the rest of my life.  I don’t WANT to do this for the rest of my life.  I can’t make him change.  I can’t make him not be anxious or have a nervous breakdown at the thought of having to put her to bed or watch her for more than an hour.  Only he can do that.

I can only take on so much.

So, what’s best for Mia?  To have a dad around that loves her but can’t take care of her?  And because of that she doesn’t seek him out as a source of comfort so I have to do it all anyhow?

I want to exercise.  The dog needs to be walked….I guess I’m going to have to do that with Mia in tow.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I’m pretty much alone in this.  I need to not be made to feel guilty for going out and doing things that make me happy.

He doesn’t make me happy.  Period.  I’m supposed to be fucking happy that he cleaned the kitchen?  That’s supposed to make up for the fact I can’t rely on him for shit?  I’m supposed to want to have sex with him for that?  Why? If he hadn’t done it, I would have or the maid would have on Wednesday.

I need more than a fucking clean kitchen to be in the mood.  I need to not feel alone, I need to not be told that all i do is make him feel like shit or don’t care about him.  WHY? WHy the fuck would I want to get intimate with him when we are worlds apart right now?  When I’m trying to battle and pull out of my own depression and eating disorder.

I’m not in the mood for your fucking jokes.  I want a husband, I want a friend, I want a father for my daughter.  NOT SOMEONE WHO JUST TAKES UP SPACE AND MONEY.  Smiles and kisses are nice, but they are starting to just not be enough.

It’s been years of me being ignored, not appreciated, made to feel like all I do is treat him like shit.  Having had to deal with him drinking.  NOT having come to terms with the fact he cheated.  And that the ONLY thing I asked for was of him to stop drinking.  And he thinks that not drinking for a few weeks make it okay.

i’m so fucking done.  WHat the hell else am I supposed to do?  If I can’t count on him for anything, then really what the fuck is the point?  If I have to do it all myself….if I have to go to events by myself, if I’ve gotten to the point where I’d rather he just not come at all???

Why? why? How is this supposed to last?  Why should it last?  Why should I have to put up with it?  Because I worry that he can’t handle it?  Because he has no one.  Because he’s destroyed all of his friendships because of whatever issues he has.  Because the more I try to maintain those friendships for him, the harder it is.  No one wants to be around him, generally speaking.

Did I marry him because I thought I could make him happy? So he wouldn’t drink, or be so negative?  I don’t even know anymore.  I just remember I was so happy that day.  Genuinely happy.  It all felt right and good.

Now I’m just exhausted and alone and what the fuck difference does it make what I say or do.  I’m not getting the life or marriage I want.

What’s better?  Just keep up the facade and

 

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