So there it goes.
I didn’t have a choice. I desperately hoped he would be willing to work on us instead of just laying blame everywhere. I never tried to say I was perfect or did things right. In fact, the more I learn through Al-Anon, the more I see how some of my actions were enabling him.
I did love him. I know I still do. But it wasn’t a healthy relationship.
It’s not even a matter of deserving better. He doesn’t know what he does and how he makes me feel. I didn’t really feel loved by him, I felt needed. I equated that to the same thing. I think he did love me in his own way. As best as he knew how.
I’m just sad now. Sad that I may never love that way again when we first fell in love. The moments between then and now that I did feel that crazy love for him. Wishing things could have been different. Sad that it’s going where it’s going. Sad that I’m probably not going to have any more kids. Sad that I feel I missed out on so much of Mia’s first year being angry with him, getting frustrated that he had issues that I couldn’t do anything about and he wouldn’t get help for.
Sad that it’s been ten years of my life and I wish I had been strong enough four years ago. Sad that I lost what I had thought was a great set of inlaws. And realizing I have more to worry about in them than him. Knowing I can’t control any of it.
I think I just need to grieve for a bit now that it is really done. I’m looking forward to positive changes. I hope that this separation brings out the best in him and not the worst. I hope that through this he becomes the man I know he can be but doesn’t trust or try to be. I hope he finds happiness and peace, but I know it will still hurt a bit to see him find that without me.
I think I hope that someday we can be friends, but know deep down that he won’t want anything to do with me. I just hope that he is okay and sane enough to be a half-decent father.
My heart hurts.