This post was inspired by effortlessly perfect ‘s blog post, The Day After . :
I don’t know if what I hit was rock bottom. But I know I was in that position. Waiting for rock bottom, or some major life event to kick me into recovery…although most of that time I didn’t know or acknowledge that I had an Eating Disorder. I was in therapy for almost 6 months before I got there. Then I went to a group session with others learning to eat Intuitively. And for the first time, I truly realized I wasn’t alone. My therapist told me all the time, but I never really believed it. I left that group session feeling completely overwhelmed with emotions. And that is when I started my blog. But those first few days, maybe even the first week, I felt shattered. It felt like my whole world was caving in on me. It was also the same time I think I admitted to myself that I had a problem and it wasn’t my fault.
I’m not sure when everything changed from ‘rock bottom’ to ‘recovery’. It wasn’t a day, or a moment, it happened slowly over several days. It may even still be happening. I don’t feel like I’m as close to rock bottom as I was those few days, but I’m not sure if I’m completely in recovery yet either.
Like someone else who commented on the original post, I have doubts that I can ‘stick’ to recovery. But that may be because I’m holding on to ‘recovery’ the way someone may hold on to a diet. Maybe I’ve caught a glimpse of something better through therapy and recovery and I need it to work. I think that may be next on my list of things to talk about with my therapist. Isn’t embracing recovery similar to embracing diets and food as a crutch?
I don’t think the day after is going to be a sunshiny day. But I think that several days, weeks or months later it will be. Recovery is a process, and just like an alcoholic, we may always be ‘in recovery’. We will have dark days, but those days will hopefully get to be fewer and farther in between, so that it is easier us for see the sun through those dark clouds.